Chairman Billy Payne is pretty proud of Augusta National’s Junior Pass program – he has a right to be. If today's participation (first non- school day) is indicative, it is off to a great start. Though the 8-16-year-olds may be a bit water logged, the thousands who showed up today (actual numbers are tabulated, filed then shredded) each accompanied by an accredited patron, seem to be having a terrific time.

I don’t mean to imply the atmosphere is akin to that of a Hannah Montana concert, but there are Junior Passers everywhere. Kids are with parents and kids are with grandparents and kids are with people wearing green jackets and orange shoes and perforated garbage bags and kids are with kids being kids. If they really are kids, and not alien imposters in tiny human costumes. I’m not saying I’m seeing 12-year-olds with beards, there’s just something eerie about these short well-dressed carbon units.

I can’t put my finger on what it is: They’re too quiet. Actually polite. It’s unsettling. I’m serious: They’re serious. And they are reading the Spectator Guides and programs. Do you hear what I’m saying? KIDS ARE READING! Something has gone horribly awry here. Of course, I’m sure they’ve had the holy fear of righteousness instilled in them. If not by their attendant chaperones, then by their surroundings. Having the Masters be your first golf tournament must be like going to the Vatican for your first mass. Hopefully we’ll be seeing these seeds of civilization sprout over the sands of time.

No, wait, sprouting bunkers is bad.

You know what I mean.